


It's Time to Get Things Started

by Kittywitch



Category: Doctor Who, The Muppet Show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 01:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1623290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittywitch/pseuds/Kittywitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jo leaves one of her favourite programmes on, the Doctor discovers that someone working for The Muppet Show has knowledge of extraterrestrial life they could not have gathered on Earth and is using it to write skits offensive to aliens. Can UNIT smooth the crisis over before the offended parties take action? Which rubbery-looking monsters on sticks are aliens and which are puppets? Is Jo's fluffy coat actually a sentient life form?</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Time to Get Things Started

Jo had left a television running in the corner of the Doctor’s laboratory. Why there was a television there was never really clear to the Doctor, UNIT had confiscated it from the prison which had been holding the Master upon the discovery that there were over ten of such units on the premises and that seemed a poor use of government funds, but for lack of anywhere to put them themselves UNIT found themselves at a bit of a loss. One had wound up in the corner of the Doctor’s laboratory and usually was left off or turned to some news channel, playing at half-volume in case something odd came into public view. Sadly, this proved to be as effective a way of tracking the Master as anything else. The television was not tuned to a new programme at the moment, as Jo had been watching it while filling in some lab reports the Doctor couldn’t be bothered to do. These lab reports largely consisted of “Added two calcium capsules to the solution, nothing happened. Made a fresh solution of the same ingredients. Added three calcium capsules. Same response.” and so on; and as such Jo could understand why the Doctor thought this was so tedious he’d be just as happy if the lab report was never filed. But Jo was quite aware that while Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart would probably not ever read the report, be unable to make much sense of it if he did try to read it, and even if he did read the report and understand the experiment, he wouldn’t know why it was they were doing it until the Doctor explained with an analogy involving visual aids.

 

The Doctor wasn’t actually sure if Jo had any interest in watching the variety show that had just come on, but somehow he suspected it was the sort of cute, frivolous things she liked in her off hours. Still, it seemed rude to turn it off, she had only nipped out of the room to get them some tea and would then return to filling out the lab reports, so the least he could do was leave her show on while they worked. It wasn’t as if recreating the same solution over and over again and slowly adding more and more calcium to it each time took all of the timelord’s concentration.

 

“ _Why do we always come here?_ ” the Doctor hummed to himself, “ _I guess we’ll never know. It’s like a kind of torture to have to watch the show…_ ”

 

It was at that point that the Doctor realised that while he had been tuning out the background noise of the television, the opening theme for the variety show was now caught in his head and would probably stay there for at least the remainder of the day. He sighed and set down the vial he had been about to try with eight of the calcium tablets. His intention was to just glare angrily at the television for the song it had caught in his head, but once he actually looked at it, he discovered something other than cheery repetitive tunes being sung by plucky little stuffed creatures. Well, to be fair it _was_ a plucky little stuffed creature singing a repetitive tune, but there was more to it than that.

 

The guest star was in the middle of a comedy sketch, gasping in dismay as a green, furry creature with three eyes ate his microphone.

“Jehosaphat!” the television star exclaimed.

“ _Gruphin phibblelar!_ ” the furry green creature replied. It then belched a ring of smoke. The audience howled with laughter.

“Uh… as I was saying… these creatures…” the guest star continued nervously, as the furry green creature started sniffing his arm as if considering whether to eat the guest star next. “…are very friendly… ”

The Doctor watched in dumbfounded horror and disgust.

“…and will make excellent pets…” the guest star added nervously.

“ _Faffavin narfna!”_ the puppet continued matter of factly, then drove its large yellow teeth into the guest star’s leg. The Doctor covered his mouth in shock at what he just heard.

 

“Doctor, you’re complaining because a comedy show aired a sketch which was politically incorrect?” brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart asked sceptically.

“My dear man, if it were simply a matter of misunderstanding of other cultures being presented as humour, I would have written it off as another unpleasant part of life in this particular era of Earth’s history.” replied the Doctor tersely. “What I am concerned with is the fact that someone on this planet knows enough about the planet Ventan to design a Ventanese puppet and write a sketch where it plays a terrible example of the worse stereotypes of it’s culture, complete with approximate if unflattering pronunciations of some of the more offensive words in it’s native language!”

“So what you’re telling me is you want UNIT to investigate the Muppet Show.” Lethbridge-Stewart concluded wearily, half hoping that the Doctor would see how ridiculous that was when he actually heard it aloud.

“Yes, Brigadier, that’s precisely it.” the Doctor replied. Lethbridge-Stewart blinked slowly, considering the fact that hoping the Doctor would think something was too ridiculous to consider was in itself too ridiculous to consider.

“And you think that this… puppet show is worth the attention of a government-funded organisation?”

“It is a matter of Earth security, brigadier, and I do believe that is the principle concern of UNIT?”

“It is, yes, I’m just trying to figure out how it is I’m going to explain to my superiors that you want to investigate a politically incorrect comedy sketch unflattering to a culture which Earth is not actually in contact with.”

“That’s your concern, brigadier.” said the Doctor, standing up.

“And just where do you think you’re going?” Lethbridge-Stewart demanded, one hand on his telephone.

“Why, I’m leaving you to your work and resuming mine, dear chap.” the Doctor answered, clearly thinking that this was obvious. “So long as I can make sure that transmission never leaves Earth’s atmosphere in any recognisable form, then the only thing we need worry about is how someone on Earth learned enough about Ventan to produce such a sketch.”

The Doctor frowned worriedly.

“One part of the sketch which was reasonable accurate, brigadier, is that the Ventanese are a rather sensitive people and if this sketch ever reaches them, Earth will have far more to worry about than a gnawed leg!” With that, he stormed out. Lethbridge-Stewart sighed, part of him hoping that this was a wild goose chase or at least the Master would show up and distract the Doctor from this latest folly.

“Hello, get me the producers of the Muppet Show. No, no, I’m afraid I’m _not_ joking.”


End file.
